A professor of mine asked the class to come up with twenty-five reasons to drink as an assignment. This is what I came up with.
- Because people understand what you’re saying too easily otherwise, and putting on a slur keeps them on their toes.
- Because vomit stains will give your shoes that artsy, unique look you’ve been going for.
- Because you’re a great admirer of tile, carpet, and wood flooring, and passing out drunk helps keep you close to the things you love.
- Because pants are a prison for your legs and booze will set you free.
- Because dive bars are a great place to meet successful, productive, like-minded people to network with.
- Because you really cherish the engaging, thought-provoking conversations you have with the guy behind the counter at the liquor store as a highlight of your day.
- Because waiting for the liquor store to open at six AM reminds you of waiting for Santa Claus at Christmas as a kid and it’s nice to reminiscence sometimes.
- Because you really want to believe her when she tells you she’s eighteen.
- Because bar fights are a great substitute for cardio.
- Because you want to be the most enthusiastic fan at your kids’ little league games, and getting ejected from the stands for disorderly conduct shows how invested you are in their athletic endeavors. Read the rest of this entry