Tag Archives: alcohol

Sailor Jerry Rum Label Love Missives: Doctor’s Orders

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Sailor 019

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Sailor Jerry Rum Label Love Missives: Don’t You Dare

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Sailor Jerry Rum Label Love Missives: Proof

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No Nostalgia Sundays (Time Travel Edition III): Oblivion Buddies

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No Nostalgia Sundays (Time Travel Edition III): Oblivion Buddies

In many ways, the Acid Kid was my soulmate, a kindred spirit that I ended up sharing a very important and sizeable chunk of my life with. We weren’t lovers, although we spent so much time together that others may have suspected otherwise. We just understood each other on a deep, unspoken level and, moreover, were equally fucked up.

The first time I laid eyes on the kid, he was lounging out in front of the student apartment building I lived in wearing a Velvet Underground T-shirt, a purple baseball cap, high top Chuck Taylors, and Harry Potter glasses. At this point, I hadn’t made a single real friend at Berkeley. I had friends in San Francisco and Oakland, but none at school. That particular night, I had been drinking tequila very openly on the sidewalk in front of the building and hurling drunken verbal insults at every college kid that walked past, half trying to make friends and half trying to get myself expelled from college so I could have an excuse to go back home.

When I saw the Acid Kid though, I didn’t insult him; I told him I liked The Velvet Underground very much and that all these other college kids were into lame shit like Nickelback and Creed and that I was probably going to end up murdering my roommate because he would play said lame shit at unacceptable volumes and that it was cool that at least one other person liked ok music at this fucking university. He told me he played piano and worshipped the Beatles. I told him I played guitar and worshipped The Replacements. We were instantly and irrevocably best friends and completely inseparable for the next four years.

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Cover Me Impressed: “Desperados Under The Eaves” by Warren Zevon

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This song is one of my favorites and holds a lot of personal significance so, naturally, I decided to butcher it. I’ve already written about my obsession with Warren Zevon and the importance of this composition, so I won’t repeat myself. If you feel so inclined, you can read all about it here.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off for a virgin margarita…

25 Reasons To Drink (An Abbreviated List)

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25 Reasons To Drink (An Abbreviated List)

A professor of mine asked the class to come up with twenty-five reasons to drink as an assignment. This is what I came up with.

  1. Because people understand what you’re saying too easily otherwise, and putting on a slur keeps them on their toes.
  2. Because vomit stains will give your shoes that artsy, unique look you’ve been going for.
  3. Because you’re a great admirer of tile, carpet, and wood flooring, and passing out drunk helps keep you close to the things you love.
  4. Because pants are a prison for your legs and booze will set you free.
  5. Because dive bars are a great place to meet successful, productive, like-minded people to network with.
  6. Because you really cherish the engaging, thought-provoking conversations you have with the guy behind the counter at the liquor store as a highlight of your day.
  7. Because waiting for the liquor store to open at six AM reminds you of waiting for Santa Claus at Christmas as a kid and it’s nice to reminiscence sometimes.
  8. Because you really want to believe her when she tells you she’s eighteen.
  9. Because bar fights are a great substitute for cardio.
  10. Because you want to be the most enthusiastic fan at your kids’ little league games, and getting ejected from the stands for disorderly conduct shows how invested you are in their athletic endeavors. Read the rest of this entry

Sailor Jerry Rum Label Love Missives: Prayer For A Reprieve

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Sailor Jerry Rum Label Love Missives: Fuck You, Helen

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Sailor Jerry Rum Label Love Missives: Argus Eyes

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Dear Dionysus XVIII: German Hospitality (In The Flesh)

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Dear Dionysus XVIII: German Hospitality (In The Flesh)

Dear Dionysus,

We found the Germans to be rather trusting and accommodating people for the most part. They shared their beer, offered us their couches to sleep on, and (as previously mentioned) flowed us ridiculously large bags of swag weed. They also didn’t seem to question our intentions or credentials too much when we tried to do things that young men of our age and caliber would never be permitted to do stateside. Like, say, rent a Mercedes Benz to drive to Oktoberfest in Munich.

To my knowledge, one must be twenty-five to rent an automobile in the states; the oldest amongst us was Yorick, who clocked in at an ancient twenty-one years old. But this was Deutschland, where they let kids drink at sixteen for Christ’s sake. In spite of some language barriers and concerns as to the validity of Yorick’s California driver’s license, we were able to secure a rental car for the next week that would get us to Munich, which is about 364 miles* from Berlin.

The Benz was a stick shift, which meant that Yorick would be doing all of the driving, as neither Franky nor myself could operate a manual transmission. Yorick swore that was the only car they would let us have, but I was convinced that he picked it on purpose so that he could do all of the driving. Indeed, Yorick was rather fond of speeding, and was certainly excited about the prospects of entirely ignoring all of the speed “suggestions” on the Autobahn.

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