Category Archives: Satire

25 Reasons To Drink (An Abbreviated List)

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25 Reasons To Drink (An Abbreviated List)

A professor of mine asked the class to come up with twenty-five reasons to drink as an assignment. This is what I came up with.

  1. Because people understand what you’re saying too easily otherwise, and putting on a slur keeps them on their toes.
  2. Because vomit stains will give your shoes that artsy, unique look you’ve been going for.
  3. Because you’re a great admirer of tile, carpet, and wood flooring, and passing out drunk helps keep you close to the things you love.
  4. Because pants are a prison for your legs and booze will set you free.
  5. Because dive bars are a great place to meet successful, productive, like-minded people to network with.
  6. Because you really cherish the engaging, thought-provoking conversations you have with the guy behind the counter at the liquor store as a highlight of your day.
  7. Because waiting for the liquor store to open at six AM reminds you of waiting for Santa Claus at Christmas as a kid and it’s nice to reminiscence sometimes.
  8. Because you really want to believe her when she tells you she’s eighteen.
  9. Because bar fights are a great substitute for cardio.
  10. Because you want to be the most enthusiastic fan at your kids’ little league games, and getting ejected from the stands for disorderly conduct shows how invested you are in their athletic endeavors. Read the rest of this entry

Vatican You Do The Can-Can?

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Vatican You Do The Can-Can?

I’m just trying to sort out the continuity here, mate:
There’s heaven and there’s hell
and (wait for it…) purgatory
and then, somewhere betwixt it all,
whatever this mess is.

Ay, Francisco–
Put down that communion wine
for a second
and pay attention, will you?

Yeah, your hat is on straight
don’t fret
but wouldn’t it be funny
if it was on gay instead?
Oh, aren’t I just abominable?

Tough crowd.
Aregressivepopesayswhat?
Wait for it…

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Rent Boy Conversions: Sex, Red Leotards, And Trolling

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Rent Boy Conversions: Sex, Red Leotards, And Trolling

I wrote this in response to an ad I found on Craig’s list for Christian singles to write articles about dating. The poster requested from all applicants an explanation of how they came to their faith. So I made one up. I hope I got the gig.

Dear Fellow Bachelors And Bachelorettes Of Christ,

I saw your advert on Craig’s List, and I am very interested. I am a single Christian male in the Year of our Lord two thousand and twelve. I must admit that it is a bit ironic that I would come across your listing on Craig’s List, as my spiritual journey has been a long and difficult one that has also involved Craig’s List. You see, brothers and sisters, I was once an inveterate sinner who once used the Adult Services section as a means of supporting my licentious and libertine lifestyle. Allow me to explain.

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A Letter To Herbert Mullin

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Dear Mr. Mullin,

First off, I would like to assure you that I am not a longhair. I know how deeply your disdain for hippies runs, and I wouldn’t want you thinking that you were receiving mail from some peacenik Berkeley graduate or something. I just wanted to get that out of the way. I’m sure you understand, Herbert. Actually, may I call you Herb? I know it’s a slang term for marijuana, which you understandably despise, but it’s just got such a nice ring to it, don’t you think? I will call you Herb for now.

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Sour Notes From Underground: Whiskey Snakes Junior

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The Etymology Of Rock ‘N’ Roll Monikers

Names are important, especially band names. A good one will have a certain charisma to it, a particular panache. But of course, because it’s rock ‘n’ roll, you can’t be too obvious about it for risk of sounding pretentious–there are no pretenses in rock ‘n’ roll. There are a lot of ways to go about getting a real radical name, plenty of which have been beaten to death. (Read: The Hardcore Band Name Equation). But it’s rare that you get a real gem of a nom de rock, something that rolls off the tongue real slick like and sticks in your brain. I could be OCD (or just a words snob), but I myself have opted out of attending shows, even and especially those of friends’ bands, or refused to listen to records solely because the band had a terrible name. My reasoning is that if they couldn’t take the time and effort to come up with a decent name, then how could they possibly have taken the time and effort to come up with some decent music? On the other hand, I’ve gone blindly to shows just because I saw an exceptional name on a flier and bought records just because I dug a name on an album cover enough.

Let us examine further.

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American Hipsters Use London Unrest As An Opportunity To Display Music Knowledge Through Obscure References

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The social unrest in London has set off an unexpected chain reaction throughout Britain’s trans-Atlantic neighboring country.  American hipsters, mostly via social networking sites such as Facebook, have been using the London riots as a timely vehicle for showing off their familiarity with obscure bands, songs, and lyrics.

“I’ve been waiting a long time for something like this,” says Randy Shoegazer, 23, of Oakland, California.  “An opportunity like this doesn’t present itself every day, so I’ve been making the most of it.  I started off with the obvious ‘London’s Burning’ allusion, but that became way too trendy way too fast.  So I mixed things up a bit when I referred to London Police as ‘Werewolves of London.’  I really wanted to show my musical credibility wasn’t merely limited to 1977 British punk.”  Shoegazer punctuated his last statement by removing his horn-rimmed glasses (he claims they’re prescription) and wiping the lenses clean on his V-neck shirt.

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