25 Reasons To Drink (An Abbreviated List)

25 Reasons To Drink (An Abbreviated List)

A professor of mine asked the class to come up with twenty-five reasons to drink as an assignment. This is what I came up with.

  1. Because people understand what you’re saying too easily otherwise, and putting on a slur keeps them on their toes.
  2. Because vomit stains will give your shoes that artsy, unique look you’ve been going for.
  3. Because you’re a great admirer of tile, carpet, and wood flooring, and passing out drunk helps keep you close to the things you love.
  4. Because pants are a prison for your legs and booze will set you free.
  5. Because dive bars are a great place to meet successful, productive, like-minded people to network with.
  6. Because you really cherish the engaging, thought-provoking conversations you have with the guy behind the counter at the liquor store as a highlight of your day.
  7. Because waiting for the liquor store to open at six AM reminds you of waiting for Santa Claus at Christmas as a kid and it’s nice to reminiscence sometimes.
  8. Because you really want to believe her when she tells you she’s eighteen.
  9. Because bar fights are a great substitute for cardio.
  10. Because you want to be the most enthusiastic fan at your kids’ little league games, and getting ejected from the stands for disorderly conduct shows how invested you are in their athletic endeavors.
  11. Because peppermint schnapps is better than breath mints.
  12. Because you can’t afford a vacation and a 5150 is the next best thing really.
  13. Because you’re in the mood for a sleepover and the police seem willing to accommodate you.
  14. Because the dings and scratches you inflict on your car in blackouts really add character to your ride, man.
  15. Because arguing with the store clerk about why he should sell you booze past two AM is great debating practice for future court visits.
  16. Because you love games and a blackout is hide-and-go-seek, Marco Polo, and adlibs all rolled into one.
  17. Because it can be difficult to tell people you love them sober and you really, really want everyone to know that you love them, man.
  18. Because hangovers are just drunk trophies really.
  19. Because your five-year plan involves pink elephants.
  20. Because people asking you why your hands are shaking is a great conversation starter.
  21. Because you’ve been meaning to learn the local public transportation system intimately for a while now and that license suspension from the Department of Motor Vehicles is that little extra incentive you’ve been waiting for.
  22. Because red is your favorite color and you wear it well (on your face).
  23. Because waking up in your own bed all the time is boring and predictable.
  24. Because skid row is a fantastic retirement destination.
  25. Because Sailor Jerry rum labels are perfect for writing poetry on and, after awhile, those are the only girls that will let you near them.


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