Vatican You Do The Can-Can?

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Vatican You Do The Can-Can?

I’m just trying to sort out the continuity here, mate:
There’s heaven and there’s hell
and (wait for it…) purgatory
and then, somewhere betwixt it all,
whatever this mess is.

Ay, Francisco–
Put down that communion wine
for a second
and pay attention, will you?

Yeah, your hat is on straight
don’t fret
but wouldn’t it be funny
if it was on gay instead?
Oh, aren’t I just abominable?

Tough crowd.
Aregressivepopesayswhat?
Wait for it…

You’re a sharp one, Francisco.
I’ll give you that.
For Christ’s sake, you don’t act a day over
seventy
(or maybe three days– would you prefer three?)

Ahem (Amen).
Let’s get down to mass tacks here.

So hell is for sadists
who savor the sin
and heaven is for masochists
who grin and won’t let them in
and purgatory is for squares
that life couldn’t bear
and this?
What’s this all about, Francisco?

This is God’s cutting room floor,
your eminence,
where even the most holy
is just
a
rejected
punchline
that
didn’t
make
the
celestial
cut.

Just because God don’t carry a bow and arrows don’t mean he ain’t a trickster god, dig?

I mean, come on, what the fuck’s so bad about shellfish, anyhow?

His son was a real prankster too,
a chip off the old beatific block.
He turned water to wine
(which was a hell of a party trick
I’ll admit)
but those Galileans were all on the wagon
and old J.C. sent them on a real
downward
spiral
with that one.

You’re not laughing, Francisco.
What’s the matter?
Light a candle and relax, bud–
We’re gonna stay right here
until we sort this all out.

I have a confession to make:
Every time I visit the zoo
and see the penguins,
I think of nymphomaniacal nuns
twiddling their thumbs
and spoiling all the spoils of youth
on a godly groom’s half-truth.

Married to God, huh?”
“Yes.”
Until death do you part, huh?
“…Let’s blow this pope-sicle stand!”

I bet Mother Teresa would have been wild in the–
SACRILEGE
SACRILEGE
SACRILEGE!

All right, Francisco!
Now we’re talkin’!
This conversation was beginning
to get a little
one-sided here.
Hey, put that candle down!
I was only kidding!
Count your rosary beads and take a deep breath.
Don’t get all worked up.
(By the way, what kinda sweatband does that immaculate lid come equipped with? The same material as the Shroud of Turin?! Jesus Christ, that’s unbelievable!)

Sorry for getting sidetracked.
To quote Alexander Pope,
“To err is humor, etc.”
What?
No, he didn’t have a cool hat like yours
I don’t think.

Anyways, the reason I’m here
at the Vatican
(your security measures need work, by the way)
is because I have some literature
I think you might be interested in.
What is it about, you say?
Well, it’s about a boy
chosen from birth
to save humanity
from a pervasive evil
even though it may mean
sacrificing himself.

What’s that, Francisco?
The Bible?
Hahaha no I’m not selling Bibles!
What do you think I am,
that I would be going door to door
trying to sell Bibles?!

It’s called Harry Potter.
Have you heard of it?

Francisco!
Ay, Francisco!
You can’t hide in that confessional all day!
I know you gotta come out of there
sooner or later
for midnight mass!

Francisco!

Fine mate, have it your way.

I’ve got all eternity…

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